I started this blog a couple years ago as a way to deal with (dare I say it?) the heartache that I felt from all my kids growing up and leaving home. I think I could fairly be described as a "hands-on" mother. In fact, that would be a
kind way to say it, if you know what I mean.
This past year my nest really hasn't been very empty. Last May, after being away for 5 years, Rachel graduated from an out-of-state university and moved back home. (The two boys were already mostly on their own, although with all the chores they give me to do, you might be tempted to think otherwise from time to time.) In general it has been a good thing for me to have Rachel home these past several months. I've enjoyed having her here, talking about the things going on in her life, having someone additional to cook for.
But there are problems with her living with us too, I readily admit. She herself vacillates from enjoying the easy life here, to screaming for a place of her own. Some of the remarks from her friends about my (over)involvement in her life have been hurtful to me (and I'm sure I haven't heard the half of them). The reason they hurt is because they are at least partly true. When I ponder this, I get very sad and think about if I were just not here, there would be no question of whether or not I should be part of a given adult child's life--that question would already be settled. Said child would just have to figure out a way to solve X problem without wondering if he or she should ask mom for help or advice.
Gosh, I'm sounding morose, aren't I? I think part of the problem is that I am feeling a great deal of loss at leaving a forum I used to be a part of. I talked with people there for two years, mostly young people, and I guess I kind of substituted them for kids of my own, and now I've lost them too. I am grieving the loss of those relationships, and feel a little bit angry and bitter because that loss was not caused by any real choice of my own.
Another reason I'm feeling loss is that Rachel is getting more and more independent (that's the good part) and that means she is leaving me too (that's the sad part). She has slowly been gaining independence for some years, but that process has recently gone into high gear. She has recently found a job in her field, bought a car and started driving again, and is making arrangements to have an independent household starting June 1. All of this is what we've wanted for Rachel, and indeed prayed much for, but now that it is really happening, I feel the loss at her leaving me--that empty nest feeling is coming back again.
So, what should I do about it? If I were just a little younger and a little richer, I would seriously consider adopting kids. At this stage, I'm probably too old and can't afford it anyway. Whenever I talk to my husband about these feelings, he hands me a list of projects to do for him. Yes, he's right, I could fill the emptiness by just working more. I mean, that would be good for him, if not necessarily that fulfilling for me.
On personality tests I score right in the middle between extrovert and introvert. I like my time alone, but when I fill up
all my time alone with just paperwork and technology, I lose interest and become sad. I need relationships with people too, and that is the best way I can describe the loss I'm feeling.
