Thursday, April 08, 2010

How to Fix a Toilet in Three Days

I've been at it again--fixing toilets. Why do I do these things? I guess because people ask me to!

On Day 0, my coworker described a puddle of water behind her toilet which sounded like a little thing to fix.

On Day 1 I went to her house to examine the situation. It didn't take long to realize that at least two things were wrong with her toilet. I removed two faulty parts and headed for Home Depot. This is trip number one, if you're counting.

At Home Depot I let that cute young salesman talk me into buying the whole repair kit. Which really was the right thing to do, but it wasn't my original plan. "Oh, it's easy!" he said. This video claimed the same thing. Yeah. Right.

On Day 2 I took the tank off the toilet. From past experience, I expected this to be difficult, but the nuts weren't actually rusted onto the bolts, so it came apart pretty easily. The perishing rubber parts assured me that the entire guts DID need to be replaced. I followed the instructions carefully, as best as I could. I hit a small snag when one of the new bolts was too big to go thru the premade hole in the bottom of the porcelain tank--odd that one went through but the other wouldn't. That meant I had to reuse one of the old bolts and hope that the old washer had enough life in it to do the job.

I got to the point to hook the water supply back up and discovered that I had broken the plastic coupler the day before when I removed it. I removed the faulty part and headed to Home Depot. This is trip number two, if you're counting.

I must have looked like a true oaf, standing there with my faded kerchief and ragged jeans, there in the toilet parts aisle, because some other customer took pity and "helped" me decide which braided pipe was the right one. I smiled charmingly and said, "OK, if this is the wrong one, I'm going to blame you."

On Day 3 I installed the braided pipe to the inlet using that white tape stuff. Took all my muscles (and two pipe wrenches) to attach it firmly, but I finally got it. Then I went to attach it to the toilet flush valve, and, of course, it didn't fit. It was the wrong size. I removed the non-fitting part and headed to Home Depot. This is trip number three, if you're counting.

This time I found the one that said "For Toilets." Now why didn't I see that sign the first time??

I managed to get through all 27 number instructions and turned the water back on. Yes, there was a leak. Of course there was. I tightened the braided inlet hose even tighter, and it quit leaking. At least I think it did. I made a few more adjustments and left.

My friend will have to use this toilet for a few days and let me know if it leaks or if it doesn't flush well. Then, I'll start over again. Or, I'll call a plumber.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Fail. Or is it Epic Fail?

I'm an oaf. Here is a list of my recent failures:

1. I tried to file our income tax form tonight using the Free Fillable Forms process. Not only was it too much work, one of the forms didn't work right and stalled the process. I sent an email to IRS. Yeah, like they're going to read it.

2. Speaking of the government, I can't believe I put the WRONG AGE for both myself AND my spouse on the recent census form. (I did put the correct DOB.) Besides my failing memory due to this extra large number, I blame this on the fact that I use my age as part of one of my miserable passwords (ihatepasswords) and when the website forced me to update my password, in response to my griping my HELPFUL friends told me to just add one to the number. So I did, and then after months of using this new password, I just assumed X was my age, instead of X + 1. AAAAAARRRRRGGG!

3. My Easter dinner. I decided to be cool and buy goat to roast for Easter dinner. You know, just like the Israelites at Passover. It turned out the texture of kid leather! Impossible to chew. Only good thing--I DIDN'T invite anyone over for dinner! After dinner I boiled it for 3 hours, and then at least the meat was soft enough to remove from the bones.

Let's see. Is that all? Well, it is enough for now.